Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Secret Fears

I've been having much more fear and doubt since the birth of our second child.  I really can't figure out if this is just hormones or really part of me.  I didn't feel these things after Cy was born.  I might have been too stressed out to notice these things back then.  I was really just in survival mode.  I think the reality of the situation is that the more happiness you get in life, the more you realize how miserable you would be without those things that make you so happy.  It's easy for some of these things to move to the back of my mind during the busy parts of the day, but when I have a moment to stop and reflect, they can creep in.

I fear that I'm becoming boring
I spend most of my time either working or taking care of my kids.  I don't have great conversations lately, and really don't have much to talk about (outside of my kids).  I seem to remember that before the kids came along, I was fun.  It doesn't always feel like that lately.  

I fear that something tragic will happen to Matt or one of the kids
This fear borders on the irrational side, but when I think of it realistically....almost any bad thing could happen at any time.  I know this all too well, remember that Cy and I were hit by a car as pedestrians?!?!? I try to use this as a reminder to savor every day and to take the time to enjoy what I am doing at the moment because you never know when it will be taken away.  I don't always succeed at this, and I get very scared.  I really don't know what I would do if I lost one of them.  How do you continue living after a tragedy occurs?  How would I raise my kids without Matt?  It makes me teary just thinking about it.

I fear that something will be terminally wrong with my children
Again, I never felt like this when Cy was born, but since Lu was born, I have an intense fear that one of them will get terminally sick (either cancer or some freak illness).  I don't know where this comes from, but it definitely plays into my germaphobia.  I don't know how I would survive the death of a child, but furthermore, I don't know how I would parent the surviving child.  

I fear that I won't know my role in life once my children are grown
I know that I have many years until this issue will arise, but I think about it alot.  The kids are at a stage in life where they are very needy.  I'm used to this, and comfortable with it.  I know that they will slowly become more and more independent beings as time goes on.  I realize that the goal is to raise confident and strong children who will contribute to society.  I know this means they will be grown ups someday and move away from home.  As much as I long for the "pre-baby" days of spontaneity and date nights and travel, I'm saddened knowing that they won't be a part of my everyday life forever.  When I'm not a "mom" anymore (at least on a day to day basis), what will I be? 

I fear that I'm not a great mom
I think most moms must fear this.  I feel like this is a normal fear.  This role defines so much of my being right now, and I want to do a great job.  I want to be there emotionally for my kids, and to teach them everything I can.  It's easy to get distracted by the small stuff and let the worry take over.  Am I doing the right thing for my kids?  Am I making the right decisions?  Will they love me?  Will they love each other?  Will they turn out okay? Should I do more, should I do less?  It's really enough to drive a person crazy.

I fear that if I spend too much of my time being afraid of things, I will miss out on LIVING LIFE.  I'm trying to chill out and to just have fun.  I'm really trying.  I've been doing yoga, which really helps a lot.  I'm trying to quiet the fears and concentrate on the great parts of my life.  And there are so many of them.  I am thankful for that, and have to remember it more often.

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