tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-80732286262501304482024-03-13T12:55:32.956-04:00ArinomicsA look at lifeAJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13199479991585291229noreply@blogger.comBlogger85125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8073228626250130448.post-52259641481525233632014-10-01T15:27:00.001-04:002014-10-01T15:27:43.262-04:00Taking a look at yourself<div style="text-align: center;">
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I've taken on a challenge from someone I follow on Instagram (cuchira, who is really motivational and fantastic) to spend each day of October in reflection of our own inner beauty, to work on our spiritual selves, to let fear take a back seat and stop keeping things bottled inside...to let our inner bad ass shine. I probably won't do the video portion, but will write my reflections here.</div>
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What do you see when you look at yourself, when you take the time to sit quietly and look inwardly at your true self? Maybe this is the start of how you meditate....something I've never been quite good at. Free yourself of the chatter that rises about physical flaws, about the "shoulds", about comparisons....and really look into your eyes and see yourself for who you are. This is the beginning of the journey, maybe you use a mirror to gaze into your own eyes until you feel comfortable enough to not need that, and just "see" who are you. Then embrace yourself and know that you are beautiful, you are a unique person who has qualities that are lovable, you are an amazing creature. Let yourself fill with wonder and get to know this inner part of yourself so well that you can never question it, feel comfortable with your own wonderfulness and you will set yourself free. Treat yourself with curiosity and kindness, LOVE yourself, nurture your feelings.</div>
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Make the choice everyday to be the best that you can ("best" totally varies from day to day, and that is OKAY!!). </div>
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These are the things I tell myself when I am feeling on top of the world, and it is easy to do during those times, but it is more important when I am low and not feeling so great. It is so much harder to attain when the negative chatter is loud and when I am filled with self doubt. I know that positive thinking breeds more positive feeling, and I am trying so very hard to maintain that. It takes work. Even saying that makes me wonder why it should take so much work to love myself. I know that I am a good person, a lovable person and I need to hold onto that....it is my best protection against things in this world that make me feel otherwise. I have the courage and strength to do that, I just have to remind myself of it more on some days. </div>
AJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13199479991585291229noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8073228626250130448.post-5021539666381009362014-09-16T12:32:00.002-04:002014-09-16T12:32:29.456-04:00Playground woes<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I was at the playground with my kids this weekend (I spend a lot of time there!) and my daughter fell down and split her lip open. A pretty common occurrence, no? In these situations, I am surprising calm and collected, I can assess the situation and act quickly. I scooped up my daughter (dripping in blood...faces bleed A LOT), and asked my son to grab his ball and water bottle and come to the car with me. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">As I laid my daughter down in the back of the car and wiped her face clean, all I could think about were the staring faces of all of the parents as I left, of all of the inaction I saw before my own eyes, of how nobody offered me a helping hand.
I really didn't need help, but I wanted to feel a connection somehow, that another parent could say, "I've been there, this isn't easy, let me offer you some help." </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">An incident like that gets to me because I like to think of people as genuine and good, I like to think the best of people, and when I don't see that it makes me shake my head and wonder if I'm missing something. Maybe it makes me feel a little lonely, too. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"> When I think of it more, I realize that my disappointment comes from the fact that I actually had an expectation that even just one person would act with compassion. It is true that expectations lead to more suffering than necessary, and I need to let go of them, even the little ones. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Lately, I've been trying to live one day at a time, accepting each day for what it is, reminding myself that I am <span style="text-align: center;">the master and the cause of my attitude, feelings, emotions and behavior. </span></span></div>
AJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13199479991585291229noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8073228626250130448.post-5135748583611905962014-09-11T13:31:00.003-04:002014-09-11T13:31:23.638-04:00Hug it out<div style="text-align: center;">
Do you ever have one of those days when you let your mind fill with self doubt, when your inner dialogue is so mean to yourself, when you feel like your skin just crawls with loathing for the things your mind does to yourself? I have them, and it is like a vortex that sucks you in and tries to drown you in your own thoughts.<br />
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I am learning to recognize this in myself more and help myself through it. I don't really talk about it because it makes me feel badly that I'm my own harshest critic (maybe this is true for most people). I try to remind myself that I am a good person at heart, that I am not perfect (and that imperfection is OKAY), that I am trying my best (and that some days it looks different than others), and that my intention in life is to love fully, to seek happiness, and act with empathy. </div>
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When I am not successful in letting those thoughts of self doubt go, I resort to my oldest trick...hug it out. It sounds terribly simplistic, but it helps me. Luckily, I live with two small rugrats who love to hug and cuddle me, and they are never stingy with their affection. Sometimes I squeeze them so tightly, and it feels so nice to smell in their sweet scent and to feel their genuineness, to see the world through their eyes, to tangibly feel that I am exactly what they need....and that is so key for me. They don't care about any of the faults that I see in myself, and it reminds me that there is more to life that the battles I fight in my head. There IS love, there IS happiness...and it exists all around me, I just have to step back and take a look. </div>
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</script><br />AJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13199479991585291229noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8073228626250130448.post-3155495334051251372014-09-09T15:26:00.003-04:002014-09-10T08:21:58.324-04:00A little kindness goes a long wayA very long time ago, I heard a quote that has always stuck with me, and I remind myself of it often:<br />
"Remember that everyone you meet is afraid of something, loves something, and has lost something."<br />
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I think this especially hits me when I am going through a rough patch, it reminds me that we all have struggles, we all have things going on behind the scenes, we could all use a little more empathy and kindness. It's easy to get lost in your head, to allow yourself to become self absorbed, to retreat a little....but taking the time to be nice to a stranger, to smile for no reason, to have empathy for the world around you can lift your spirits, and oddly enough...can show you how to have empathy for yourself. When I am down, I find that my thought process gets harsher on myself, and when I am mindful of treating others with kindness, it allows me to see that I should be treating myself the same way. </div>
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Take the time to remember that we are all going through life with worries and fears, we all doubt ourselves from time to time, we could always use a little encouragement (or at least a random smile or a door held). Making kindness a part of your day will bring it back to you tenfold, if not from someone else, from yourself. </div>
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Make someone smile today and I bet you will find yourself smiling, too :)</div>
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</script>AJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13199479991585291229noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8073228626250130448.post-30451457134822856482014-09-08T15:30:00.000-04:002014-09-10T08:22:58.763-04:00Wanderlust<div style="text-align: center;">
I have this nagging feeling....something I can't quite put my finger on, but a need for something that is just outside of my grasp. So many of my days are filled with the very mundane ins and outs of living that my mind gets trapped in desperately wanting to break free. The more I try to quiet it, the more frustrated I become and I need to channel these thoughts in a better way. </div>
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I've been turning to yoga to help, and adding that to my week helps me to boost me up, it lets me feel strong and puts me exactly in the moment...but it doesn't alleviate the yearning.</div>
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Maybe I'm expecting too much from life, maybe I'm a little dissatisfied with life, maybe I need to have a little more acceptance that this part of my life is fleeting and that I should embrace it more fully.</div>
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I guess the truth is that I've never felt so NEEDED, living with small kids is so draining at times, and I feel that there is little time or energy left for myself. It feels grounding, but also very smothering....giving my all to what I feel is good and right for my kids doesn't always mean that I do the same for myself, and that is something that I want to work on. </div>
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</script>AJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13199479991585291229noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8073228626250130448.post-7481599321923079692014-09-02T14:36:00.001-04:002014-09-10T08:23:17.778-04:00Living in the Moment<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I've been thinking about this concept a lot and working really hard at Living in the Moment. I am trying to come to terms with the realization that living with small kids will both suck the life out of you and breath life into you (sometimes within minutes of each other). I am not going to live a life waiting for bliss, I am learning to find happiness in every day and making it a priority. Love and joy are both a choice, and I choose them over everything else.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">It is really damned hard to live in the moment when so many of them are filled with "Mommy! Get me this, do this for me, (whine, whine, WHINE), my toe hurts, I need something, this milk is in the <i>wrong</i> cup..." I let those moments get to me and make me long for QUIET moments...but when the quiet moments do come (they are rare, but DO happen), I let my mind fill with what will be next, with preparing for the next fire, with anticipating. I am trying to teach myself to stop, to take each moment for what it is, accept it, and get as much as I can from each one of them (without using "good" and "bad" as descriptors). This is not easy, and my old brain is working hard at learning this new trick!!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">I'm not completely successful at this yet, but I'm learning. Practicing mindfulness <b>will</b> bring more happiness (it's been scientifically proven <a href="https://www.ted.com/talks/matt_killingsworth_want_to_be_happier_stay_in_the_moment">TED talk on happiness</a>). It's a great talk, if you don't have the 10 minutes to take a listen, the take home message is that there really is no "secret" to happiness, but that even if you are doing something that you don't particularly "enjoy", you can derive more happiness from that moment by focusing on what you are doing.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">There are some things that I try to keep in mind that help me stay in the exact moment that I am experiencing, and here are some of them:</span></div>
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<li><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Mommy hugs and kisses are really high currency; I am equipped with exactly what my kids need to give them comfort and love, even if I can't "solve" their problems.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Accept that life is not about living in pure bliss, it is about appreciating the bliss that you do feel and learning how to find more of it.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Letting go of expectation sets your mind free and allows you experience life as it comes. *This one is particularly challenging for me, but also gives me the greatest results. </span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Let go of the "what if's"....You are well equipped to deal with whatever comes your way in life without running through every possible scenario before hand. Preparing for scenarios that might never come to pass is not helpful and is wasted energy.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">If you feel something BIG, then let it be big and figure out how to learn from it...don't diminish your reaction to a situation, don't let any one else diminish your reaction, but do reflect on it and learn why the situation feels so big to you.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Love yourself, you are worthy of love and happiness, don't be your worst critic, and ask for help when you need it.</span></li>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Maybe those things are not very earth shattering or novel, but they do help me. When all else fails, take a breath and lift something heavy, or rock a new yoga pose, or sing really loud or recite a poem from heart....just do whatever it is that makes you feel totally bad-ass. </span></div>
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</script>AJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13199479991585291229noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8073228626250130448.post-70881777600579748552014-05-11T15:07:00.001-04:002014-05-11T15:07:39.883-04:00Mother's Day FakerHappy Mother's Day! If you are a Mom, I hope you are enjoying the day that was set aside to make you feel loved and appreciated.<div><br></div><div>I have to admit, I'm faking my way through today. I try to live my life without expectation, because those get me in trouble....but damnit, I'm feeling like today is just like every other day, and I wish it were a little more special. What's even worse is I feel like I shouldn't have to ask for that.</div><div>I know that being a mom to small kids means a bunch of personal sacrifice....I get it, but I'd still like to have a day of "Wow, thanks for all that you do"</div><div><br></div><div>I took an extra long shower today...so that was nice, but I spent most of it crying. </div><div>Everything else has been like a regular Sunday, although the weather is truly spectacular....making the playground really enjoyable.</div><div><br></div><div>I'm not really one to whine or complain, I just wanted to get that off my chest without starting a really big argument, and this is the best place to do that. </div><div>I wish I could just snap out of it today and just enjoy the fact that my kids are happy, healthy, and that they are really sweet (when they are not driving me bat-shit-crazy). </div><div><br></div><div>I'm going to go snuggle my boy as he rests on the sofa before I blink and he's in high school.</div><div>Thanks for listening.</div><div><br></div><div><br></div><div><br></div><div><br></div>AJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13199479991585291229noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8073228626250130448.post-747832430813271962014-01-14T13:38:00.001-05:002014-01-14T13:38:09.527-05:00New Year's Un-resolutions<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
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<span style="background-color: white; background-position: initial initial; background-repeat: initial initial; font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">I suppose I'm a little behind on this post...maybe I'm a little behind on blogging....maybe I'm a little behind on life.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">I don't really do resolutions for the New Year. </span></span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, sans-serif;">I first did this exercise two years ago, and I thought it was a great way to put thought and direction into life without being so strict as goal setting. </span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, sans-serif;"> Life is too busy and too crazy to put an additional burden of "accomplishing more" and I'm too Type A to deal with more stuff right now, so this was a fun way for me to feel like I'm starting the year fresh without having to "do" much but just think. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><b>
Theme</b>: Intentional. Live on Purpose!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I started to think
about this at the end of last year, and I really want to focus on it more this
year. I want to live well and on purpose. I want my actions to be
deliberate and on purpose, not a byproduct of anything else. I want to
know that I am living the life that I want to live and that I am the designer
of that life. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><b>Phrase</b>: "One
Life, Live It"<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I had seen this on a Jeep one day
while I was out running errands, and it really struck me. I guess it's a
simple phrase, and simple is good....it ties in well with my theme for the
year. I am going to take the bull by the horns this year! Yes! I am not waiting for tomorrow....I am going to live in the moment, love with my whole heart and experience all that life has to offer.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><b>Color</b>: Green<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">This was the most
difficult one ...and probably the most frivolous and silly part of my exercise,
but I put a lot of thought into it. I almost chose blue, but when I
looked into it further, green just aligned better with what I wanted to feel
for the year.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I looked up the
meaning of colors and here is part of what I found that helped me to make my
decision:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;"><i>"Green is the color of balance and
harmony and growth. From a color psychology perspective, it is the great
balancer of the heart and the emotions, creating equilibrium between the head
and the heart.</i> </span><i style="line-height: 11.5pt;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;">From a meaning of colors perspective,
green is also the color of growth, the color of spring, of renewal and rebirth.
It renews and restores depleted energy. It is the sanctuary away from the
stresses of modern living, restoring us back to a sense of well being. </span></i><i style="line-height: 11.5pt;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;">Green is an emotionally positive color,
giving us the ability to love and nurture ourselves and others
unconditionally. </span></i></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 9pt;">Being a combination of yellow and blue,
green encompasses the mental clarity and optimism of yellow with the emotional
calm and insight of blue, inspiring hope and a generosity of spirit not
available from other colors. This color relates to stability and endurance,
giving us persistence and the strength to cope with adversity."<o:p></o:p></span></i><br />
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AJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13199479991585291229noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8073228626250130448.post-36270799556345579462013-08-29T10:59:00.003-04:002013-08-29T10:59:33.612-04:00My Kindergartner!!<div style="text-align: center;">
Cyrus,</div>
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Today starts your academic career!!! I'm so proud to be your mom. You are an energetic and full of life boy. You have been a spitfire since the day you were born, and I love every inch of you. </div>
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I'm feeling a little more emotional today than I thought I would. I am remembering the day that we brought you home from the hospital, and how scared I was at the responsibility of parenting you. It makes me laugh a little today to think about you swaddled into a perfect little bundle, looking so sweet, and how I felt so scared. Now I know that the scariest parts come much later. I've relaxed into my role of being your mom, and enjoy my time with you. You are witty, curious, and ebullient! (I just like that word...but you ARE!)</div>
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Enjoy your time in school. Soak it all in and make the best of your time. I hope you continue to have a love for learning and that you will fondly look back on this time. I told you this morning "Cyrus, the world is your oyster". You asked what an oyster was....totally ruined the sentiment (but made me laugh). I love you.</div>
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AJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13199479991585291229noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8073228626250130448.post-63887139382025271752013-08-27T08:40:00.000-04:002013-08-27T08:40:07.861-04:00VIBRANT<div style="text-align: center;">
There is something new going on. It is wonderful and making life feel amazing. </div>
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I probably won't go into describing it any more than that.....but I just had to share how just damned great life is right now.</div>
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<br />AJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13199479991585291229noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8073228626250130448.post-9703551171430921082013-08-06T13:03:00.002-04:002013-08-06T13:03:40.850-04:00A Simpler Life?<div style="text-align: center;">
Sometimes I feel myself longing for a "simpler" life. By this, I literally mean: sell house, quit jobs, move far away and live in a tiny little fishing village on the ocean.</div>
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Something about removing the stressors in life and just "living" is the appeal. I have an image in my head of lazy mornings, perfectly behaved children, daily trips to the market for fresh groceries to prepare for the day, afternoons playing at the beach, evenings around a campfire. </div>
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Notice I didn't mention any cleaning, random errands, clothes washing, going to work, children that don't listen?</div>
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I think this dreaming all comes from the desire to be a better mom to my kids. I feel like when the "other" stuff is gone, I have more mental dedication to be present in the moment. To enjoy time with my kids, and to ENJOY my kids. Instead of playing with my son for "just 5 more minutes" so that I can move the next load of laundry from the washer to the dryer, I'd like to have more time. I hate to feel like I'm moving from one task to the next. There are tastes of this feeling on the weekends, but there is always SOMETHING else to do. I am in constant motion. Is this self inflicted? Mostly. <br />
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After thinking about it for a bit, here are the two (completely conflicting) thoughts I have on actually having a "simpler life":<br />
1- I would have limitless time to spend with and nuture my children. They would become my everything, then they would grow up and want to "explore the world" that I had sheltered them from, and I will end up devestated to be without them.<br />
2- I would hate not having "something of my own" that would be separate from the children (and family life in general), and would resent the entire experience.</div>
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Hm. Maybe what I really need is just a vacation. Maybe I overthink things a bit? Maybe i just need to find a bit more balance. Maybe I should just be happy with what I have. More "Carpe Diem" and less "what if?" </div>
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Who knows.</div>
<br />AJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13199479991585291229noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8073228626250130448.post-60052737795920642422013-07-11T15:46:00.000-04:002013-07-11T15:46:11.462-04:00Catching up...the cliff note versionSo, it seems like I spend more time here when I'm tired, miserable, grumpy....or HAPPY!<br />
Not much of the in-between. Guess "normal" isn't always terribly exciting. Usually things slow down over the summer, and there is so much more time to think, contemplate, write...but not so much this year. I'll recap with some quick things, and try to do better about spending some more time here ;)<br />
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The kids are growing like weeds. I love them to bunches and am really enjoying time with them. The more time I enjoy, the less time I document...then the more inadequate I feel. Insert viscious cycle. Bleck. I'm really trying to find the balance between "this is fun!" and "this is fun, take a picture, post to Facebook!".<br />
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Cy turned 5 (!?!?!) and Matt turned 40. We had an awesome party at the house (complete with a very huge pig roast) and it was wildly successful. One of the best parties. If I was getting married again, I would totally have a pig roast for it. SO MUCH FUN. There was a bouncy house and tons of kids running around (getting dirty, drinking juice boxes, and plunging faces into cupcakes). When everything calmed down at night, we got a fire going in the pit, opened up whatever wine and beer was left, and just enjoyed ourselves. The next morning was sponsored by ADVIL. Yikes. But, so worth it.<br />
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(yes, you will, my boy)</div>
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Lulu is continuing to grow into mini Me. She is such a mama's girl, and loves to help. Raising a girl is infinitely different that it was with the boy. (There is plenty of good and bad with this). She's stuck to me like glue most of the time. Which I love (and hate sometimes, too). <br />
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Summer has been hot but awesome so far. We've been spending a ton of time at the lake. Lu hangs with me, but is loving jumping from the docks into the water. Cy is a fish, and could spend all day there. I love being there with them, and I feel like this is where the memories that I remember when I really old will come from. I've felt that ever since I started taking Cy there. Its just magic.<br />
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The bathroom remodel is underway. Holy cow. It is going to be amazing. Living through it is actually manageable, but not ideal. At least we have the half bath downstairs. Traveling to the gym in the morning is less of a pain than I thought it would be. I kind of enjoy the dedicated quiet time to myself....but not enough to continue after the bathroom is completed.<br />
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I completed a Whole30 in May (another post to follow on this...I've started a draft) (Okay...I've started like 12 drafts, but plan to actually finish that one). It was AMAZING. I really can't say enough great things about it. It has completely changed my relationship with food.<br />
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Happy. </div>
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Hold onto this. </div>
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Remember how good it feels.</div>
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Learn to pull on these memories when feeling stressed.</div>
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Okay. I have no more time to keep typing.</div>
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Look for my Whole30 wrapup soon!!</div>
<br />AJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13199479991585291229noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8073228626250130448.post-46973782316254502502013-02-05T13:09:00.002-05:002013-02-05T13:09:51.021-05:003 years<div style="text-align: center;">
It's been three years since my son and I were hit by a car. As pedestrians. We are survivors. We are strong. I feel really emotional about this today....moreso than I thought I would.</div>
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Since that day, I strive to savor each day and to enjoy it all. I don't always succeed. Truthfully, I think as eye opening as an event like that is, it opens the eyes a little TOO wide. Sometimes I am painfully aware that anything can happen to us and anytime. Unexpectedly. None of us are immune to that. </div>
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I really hate the fact that there are some days that I live in fear. Some days when Matt is 5 minutes late getting home from work, I start wondering what happened to him....fearing that ......well, the worst. I have come to know that opening up to great and deep love exposes you to the opportunity for great and deep loss. At times like that, I try to remember to stay in the present and to soak it all in. Enjoy life. </div>
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So, on a day like this, when the reminder is really strong, I hug my kids extra tight, make sure to tell my husband how much I love him, and try to keep life in perspective. </div>
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This is what it is all about:</div>
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AJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13199479991585291229noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8073228626250130448.post-53510699378918327572012-10-18T16:20:00.002-04:002012-10-18T16:20:30.030-04:00This parenting gig<div style="text-align: center;">
It occurred to me that this parenting gig is a work in process. It has really helped over the past few weeks to keep that in mind. I've never done this before, and I'm learning as I go. Some things work, others don't. As the kids grow, I grow with them. Cool.</div>
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On the days that you really aren't too happy with the way things went, its a good reminder that we get to try it again the next day. We can make up for our mistakes, learn, and move on, take a new approach, try something different. </div>
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On the really great days, take a lot of pictures and REMEMBER them. Lavish them. Make them come again.</div>
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The best part is that we (parent-kid teams) are in this together. We are making our family history.</div>
AJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13199479991585291229noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8073228626250130448.post-87383233966730313512012-09-04T11:21:00.002-04:002012-09-04T11:21:57.965-04:00Can't catch a break<div style="text-align: center;">
(sigh)</div>
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It seems we just can't catch a break this month. Matt had his vasectomy last Thursday (things went well), so I had full time care of the kids, since he was in some pain and couldn't lift anything. I honestly can't understand how single parents do it. Maybe I'm just a wimp, or maybe my kids are really high maintenance, but there is no possible way that I could do this full time.</div>
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I tried to go to the YMCA for yoga class on Saturday morning, but was called out 25 minutes into it since Lu was crying non-stop in Child Watch. Twenty five minutes of yoga was just not enough to get me to where I needed to be. The rest of the day wasn't terrible, but I was already looking forward to Tuesday.</div>
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Saturday was our 10 year anniversary. We didn't plan too well, but did get a babysitter at the last minute. We got to go to lunch together on Sunday. It was a nice break....but I felt like I couldn't relax. I felt tired and worn out. Not too fun to be around. I feel like I'm just less fun to be around since having kids. I feel less interesting. Blah. Matt thinks I just need to relax. And I'm trying.</div>
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Cy got a fever on Sunday after we got home from lunch. Of course this means he was whiny and cranky. This kid hardly ever gets sick, and this is the second time this month. His daycare just admitted a bunch of new kids, so I'm wondering if there are just a new set of germs to deal with. Ugh. Now I'm just waiting for Lu to get it.</div>
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Monday was okay, but it just felt like a long day. I tried to get some work done so that I would be able to stay home someday during the week if Lu comes down with a fever. (fatalistic or realistic?)</div>
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There was a nice 2 hour block in the afternoon of QUIET (the boys and Lu were napping). It was a nice, and I got some photo editing done. I actually felt a bit better after this break. I felt more able to deal with the rest of the day after getting a little time to myself.</div>
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After we put the kids to bed, we even had a little time to watch another episode of Breaking Bad on Netflix. What a great show!!! I'm glad we only watched one episode, though...since both kids were up a little after 3am. So, today I'm tired. Again. Like I said...we can't seem to catch a break. Oh, and allergies are starting, too. Bonus.</div>
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<br />AJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13199479991585291229noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8073228626250130448.post-70050287041020298602012-08-29T09:24:00.000-04:002012-08-29T11:45:49.622-04:00A rough day<div style="text-align: center;">
I feel like I'm having a rough day today. Seems like a trend. I guess I don't feel as compelled to write in this space when I'm having a great day.</div>
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After a stressful vacation, and a rough few nights....I'm feeling pulled thin. I am tired, exhausted even. I feel like I need a break. A day or two to clear my head and get back on track. Being the mom often times means self-care is put to the back burner while making sure everyone else is taken care of. </div>
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The baby has continued to be clingy (to me) even though all traces of sickness are gone. She wakes up multiple times at night and is tough to get back down. We've started to let her cry in hopes she will soothe herself. I can't stand to listen to her cry, but I don't know what else to do...I'm at the end of my rope with it. She isn't eating well....meaning I have to pump more often to relieve the fullness. She is just "off" right now. Maybe this is a phase or she is just recovering from a stressful week. What ever the case, I'm just hoping this passes soon.</div>
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Cy is pushing limits. Not listening, or at least not paying attention. My patience is gone. I feel like I am punishing him more often lately, and need to examine whether it's because his behavior has been worse or my tolerance is at an all time low. Instinct tells me its a mixture of both.</div>
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Tomorrow is the day that my husband has his vasectomy. I am worried for him (just cause that's me) but also happy that we will mark the end of our baby making days. It couldn't come at a worse time, since I really am not looking forward to doing full time care of both kids this weekend (no heavy lifting for him). I'm hoping he heals quickly and that I can enjoy this time with the kids. I need to just come up with a game plan. </div>
AJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13199479991585291229noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8073228626250130448.post-28554083686073909922012-08-28T15:47:00.002-04:002012-08-28T15:47:34.140-04:00Vacation Woes<div style="text-align: center;">
I can't even start to describe how bad vacation was this year. Someone told me today that when you are travelling with young children, it should have a different name than "vacation". Amen.</div>
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To summarize: the baby was sick the whole time. A temperature of 103 that persisted for the whole week. She was clingy (attached to me the entire time) and didn't sleep. I've never returned from a vacation so exhausted. </div>
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Luckily, Cy had a blast and really loved spending time with his cousins at the lake. There is my silver lining.</div>
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<br />AJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13199479991585291229noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8073228626250130448.post-89634677000036353082012-08-07T16:18:00.000-04:002012-08-07T16:18:31.766-04:00A letter to my girl<div style="text-align: center;">
Dear LuLu, </div>
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While rocking with you at bedtime tonight I stared at you and felt like I know your path. I know the heartaches and joys of being a woman. I can connect and relate to you in this way. I know that there will be drama. There will also be growing and learning. I feel lucky to be a part of that.</div>
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Thinking about raising a girl is a little intimidating to me. There are so many things that I want for you (and even more that I don't). Be strong, independent, and stubborn. Fight for what you want and go after it with enthusiasm. BUT, embrace your softness. Don't mistake emotion and vulnerability for weakness. It's not true. Let someone love you and love them back. Invite people in. Offer help easily, and remember to accept help just as easily. </div>
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I'm struggling with some of these things myself these days, and it makes me so aware that I want so much for you. I'm making changes to be a better role model for you. </div>
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I love you. </div>AJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13199479991585291229noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8073228626250130448.post-13526504921194461952012-07-31T16:09:00.000-04:002012-07-31T16:09:19.938-04:00I have a lot of work to do<div style="text-align: center;">
Well, therapy session number two is under my belt. Ouch. This stuff isn't easy. I feel mentally weak, or lazy....something like that. This mental "tune up" is what I need to keep me healthy and make me a better mom. It's like going to the gym for my brain. And it IS a workout. </div>
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I hate feeling weak. I hate crying so much. I really feel the need to get this under control. </div>AJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13199479991585291229noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8073228626250130448.post-53152696107817700412012-07-24T16:29:00.000-04:002012-07-24T16:29:16.081-04:00PPD<div style="text-align: center;">
So, I had a therapy session. She says I have postpartum depression. </div>
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I don't feel like I'm going to harm my kids. I don't even really feel depressed. I feel anxious and edgy a lot, overwhelmed at times. I am snapping at my husband more than I should. I feel like I'm having trouble adjusting to life with 2 kids. I keep waiting for it to get easier. I feel like I'm riding a hormone roller coaster.</div>
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The worst part is that I feel bad for feeling this way. I never felt like this when I had my son. My daughter is an easier baby than he was, so why is it harder this time? I feel like I should be able to handle this better. </div>
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<span style="background-color: white;">I feel isolated, and that I want to isolate myself even more so people don't see my weakness.</span></div>
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I almost didn't publish this post. Why is there such shame associated with this? Why does it make me feel like a failure? I know why people don't talk about this very much, cause I don't want to talk about it either. I'm lucky to have a really supportive husband who urged me to call my doctor. </div>
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If you feel any of the symptoms, please don't feel shame in asking for help. Feeling better and being the best mom to my kids that I can is my goal, and for this, I can swallow my pride and get some help. I have lots of excuses to not get help: I don't have time, I really don't need the help, this will pass, things will get better, I should just suck it up and deal. I have 2 very good reasons to get help:</div>
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Reason #1:</div>
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Reason #2:</div>
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<br /></div>AJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13199479991585291229noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8073228626250130448.post-5893281133935128302012-07-23T16:31:00.003-04:002012-07-23T16:31:42.661-04:00Random Monday thoughts<div style="text-align: center;">
1- I'm tired. Damn. Can this baby please start sleeping through the night soon? We've recently had a stretch of about 2 weeks of bad sleep (waking 2-3 times per night). I'm in the process of enforcing the "you can only eat one time a night" rule, while hoping for the "you don't wake up at all" part of her sleep. UGH. I know it gets better. I know she will eventually sleep, but dang....I'm ready for it.</div>
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2- Lu started crawling on Friday. She's slow, but she's got it down. Our house is on Lego (and all small piece toys) lockdown. Poor Cy.</div>
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3- I'm having some extreme highs and lows lately. I'm really sure that it is hormone related, but I'm going to talk to someone about it tomorrow. I'm kind of nervous about that. </div>
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4- I got a haircut this weekend, and hate it. Why do I always hate my haircuts? What do I do wrong? </div>
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5-We are taking the kids to Storyland this weekend. Our first themepark adventure. Am I ready for this?</div>
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6- My yoga teacher is moving to North Carolina. I'm really going to miss her class...it is so fantastic. Guess I'm on the hunt for a replacement. </div>
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Here's to a great week, and hopefully better sleep.</div>
<br />AJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13199479991585291229noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8073228626250130448.post-27533646768928876392012-07-18T08:34:00.000-04:002012-07-18T08:34:12.287-04:00Old ladiesSeems like recently I've had several older women approach me while I am out with the kids. They feel the need to tell me that these are the best days of my life, and that I should really enjoy them.<br />
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I know this is not a new theme. I know that they are sincere and mean no harm. I know.<br />
BUT, I think they need to remove their rose colored glasses and leave me the hell alone.<br />
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I'm on a streak of really bad night's sleep, my 4 year old DOES NOT LISTEN, and the baby is imminently teething (aren't they always). Nursing has become a contact sport, where there is hair pulling, pinching, and complete distraction. Just getting out the door in the morning requires bribes and coddling. There are endless dishes and laundry. I don't get any alone time (except for the 10 minutes I spend in the shower). Did I mention that I haven't had a full night's sleep in over 8 months?<br />
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So, yes. I realize that your children are older now, or have even left the nest. I know that you think you miss these days. Please don't remind me. There are several moments that I love and cherish, BUT if these are the best days of my life? Please. Take me now.AJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13199479991585291229noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8073228626250130448.post-66603035496032405312012-07-03T11:37:00.003-04:002012-07-03T11:37:34.240-04:00Nighttime Feeding<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="background-color: white;">It happened to me last night. I wondered when it would. I was up at 1:30am for Lulu's night feeding, and I just gazed at her. I took the time to really look at her and try to remember that cherub of a face. It's not a time for cameras, but I really wish I had more than memories to preserve this image. Beautiful. Really. So peaceful.</span></div>
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I remember with Cy that I loved the nighttime feedings. Even though I was exhausted, I always enjoyed the quiet and special alone time with him. I was really sad when they ended (although, I really enjoyed getting sleep, too!). </div>
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<span style="background-color: white;">Something struck me last night, and I realized that this time was going to come to an end soon. I haven't really enjoyed the middle of the night feedings with Lu, and I chalk that up to being more tired with two kids. However, last night, I just wanted to hold her close and not let her go. I wanted to smell her and look at her and remember how precious this time is. I know that pretty soon I will have to guide her into sleeping through the night without waking to eat, but something is holding me back. I'm pretty sure she is ready, and that I am not. </span></div>
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I guess this is why the "baby" of the family gets babied so much. The parents are holding onto their "lasts" of each stage. I don't know which night will be the "last" time I nurse a baby to sleep, but I'm pretty sure it will make me a little sad (even though I'm really looking forward to a full night's sleep!!).</div>AJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13199479991585291229noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8073228626250130448.post-34305360757699136572012-07-02T15:12:00.001-04:002012-07-02T15:12:11.270-04:00Learning to chill<div style="text-align: center;">
When I'm busy, I get stressed because I feel like I have too much to do.</div>
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When I'm idle, I get antsy if I don't have something to do.</div>
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I guess that as an adult, it's easy to lose the ability to "play" and forget about everyday adult concerns.</div>
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Please. Let me re-learn the fine art of relaxation. Let me stop trying to plan and schedule each waking moment. Let me enjoy the day as it comes. </div>
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I worked on it this weekend, and feel like I succeeded. <span style="background-color: white;">On Saturday afternoon, Matt took Cy to the movies, and I had some free time with Lu. We just relaxed and "played". After they returned, Matt and I were actually able to sit outside and drink a beer while we talked and let the kids play. It was really nice....relaxing, even!</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white;">While Lu had a long nap on Sunday morning, I spent some lovely leisure time playing with Cy. It felt easy and fun. I think he enjoyed it even more than I did. Earlier in the morning, I gave him a few options for what to "do" that day, and he chose "stay home and play". It's funny how in-tune kids are. </span></div>
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I don't know why it should take conscious effort on my part to relax. Seems contrary.</div>AJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13199479991585291229noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8073228626250130448.post-20897517483870982402012-06-27T11:41:00.001-04:002012-06-27T11:41:10.814-04:00Food "Sensitivities"<div style="text-align: center;">
It looks like poor Lulu is having "sensitivity" to some foods. UGH. When we started solids with her, we weren't very careful in keeping track of what she was eating and did not follow the 3 day rule. Bad mommy. Really, it wasn't on my radar since things had gone fine with Cy, and there aren't any food allergies on either side of the families.</div>
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Well, a few weeks into solid eating, Lu slowly developed a pretty nasty rash on her face. I initially thought it was due to drool (and imminent teething). The rash kept getting worse, and spread to under her chin. I still thought it was teething. When she started to get a few spots on her arms, I thought maybe it wasn't teething. Duh. In the interim, she was enjoying lots of yummy things: bananas, avocado, sweet potato, pears, peaches, even cherries. Whoops. </div>
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I took her to the doctor to have her checked, and she said she thought it was a sensitivity to something she was eating. She advised that we stop ALL solids until the rash was healed. Then she said to introduce one item at a time, waiting 5 to 6 days in between each. Oh my. I was pretty sure that the oatmeal cereal we were feeding to her was not the culprit, so I went against orders and continued the oatmeal while she healed. (Cortisone is amazing, by the way!) The rash was gone in a few days, and I started with pears as her first trial food, assuming that this would be the least allergenic food to try. WRONG. I gave her the pears on Friday, and by Sunday the rash started to come back on her face. Damn. Who is actually allergic to pears? </div>
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So, now we are waiting for this rash to heal before starting another food, but I'm concerned for my baby girl. How can she have a "sensitivity" to pears?!?!?! Odd. I'm worried about what to start her on next. Making it worse, one of the girls at daycare said her rash looked exactly like that of one of the older kids who has a TON of allergies. I don't want this path for my little munchkin, but I guess it's out of my hands. We will try sweet potatoes next, and are keeping our fingers crossed. I suppose some Benadryl wouldn't be a bad thing to have on hand, either. </div>AJhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13199479991585291229noreply@blogger.com0