Tuesday, July 31, 2012

I have a lot of work to do

Well, therapy session number two is under my belt.  Ouch.  This stuff isn't easy.  I feel mentally weak, or lazy....something like that.  This mental "tune up" is what I need to keep me healthy and make me a better mom.  It's like going to the gym for my brain.  And it IS a workout. 

I hate feeling weak.  I hate crying so much.  I really feel the need to get this under control.  

Tuesday, July 24, 2012


So, I had a therapy session.  She says I have postpartum depression.  

I don't feel like I'm going to harm my kids.  I don't even really feel depressed.  I feel anxious and edgy a lot, overwhelmed at times.  I am snapping at my husband more than I should.  I feel like I'm having trouble adjusting to life with 2 kids.  I keep waiting for it to get easier. I feel like I'm riding a hormone roller coaster.

The worst part is that I feel bad for feeling this way.  I never felt like this when I had my son.  My daughter is an easier baby than he was, so why is it harder this time?  I feel like I should be able to handle this better. 

I feel isolated, and that I want to isolate myself even more so people don't see my weakness.

I almost didn't publish this post.  Why is there such shame associated with this?  Why does it make me feel like a failure?  I know why people don't talk about this very much, cause I don't want to talk about it either.  I'm lucky to have a really supportive husband who urged me to call my doctor. 

If you feel any of the symptoms, please don't feel shame in asking for help.  Feeling better and being the best mom to my kids that I can is my goal, and for this, I can swallow my pride and get some help.  I have lots of excuses to not get help: I don't have time, I really don't need the help, this will pass, things will get better, I should just suck it up and deal.  I have 2 very good reasons to get help:

Reason #1:

Reason #2:

Monday, July 23, 2012

Random Monday thoughts

1- I'm tired.  Damn.  Can this baby please start sleeping through the night soon?  We've recently had a stretch of about 2 weeks of bad sleep (waking 2-3 times per night).  I'm in the process of enforcing the "you can only eat one time a night" rule, while hoping for the "you don't wake up at all" part of her sleep.  UGH.  I know it gets better.  I know she will eventually sleep, but dang....I'm ready for it.

2- Lu started crawling on Friday.  She's slow, but she's got it down.  Our house is on Lego (and all small piece toys) lockdown.  Poor Cy.

3- I'm having some extreme highs and lows lately.  I'm really sure that it is hormone related, but I'm going to talk to someone about it tomorrow.  I'm kind of nervous about that.

4- I got a haircut this weekend, and hate it.  Why do I always hate my haircuts? What do I do wrong?

5-We are taking the kids to Storyland this weekend.  Our first themepark adventure.  Am I ready for this?

6- My yoga teacher is moving to North Carolina.  I'm really going to miss her class...it is so fantastic.  Guess I'm on the hunt for a replacement. 

Here's to a great week, and hopefully better sleep.

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Old ladies

Seems like recently I've had several older women approach me while I am out with the kids.  They feel the need to tell me that these are the best days of my life, and that I should really enjoy them.

I know this is not a new theme.  I know that they are sincere and mean no harm.  I know.
BUT, I think they need to remove their rose colored glasses and leave me the hell alone.

I'm on a streak of really bad night's sleep, my 4 year old DOES NOT LISTEN, and the baby is imminently teething (aren't they always).  Nursing has become a contact sport, where there is hair pulling, pinching, and complete distraction.  Just getting out the door in the morning requires bribes and coddling.  There are endless dishes and laundry.  I don't get any alone time (except for the 10 minutes I spend in the shower).  Did I mention that I haven't had a full night's sleep in over 8 months?

So, yes.  I realize that your children are older now, or have even left the nest.  I know that you think you miss these days.  Please don't remind me.  There are several moments that I love and cherish, BUT if these are the best days of my life?  Please.  Take me now.

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

Nighttime Feeding

It happened to me last night.  I wondered when it would.  I was up at 1:30am for Lulu's night feeding, and I just gazed at her.  I took the time to really look at her and try to remember that cherub of a face.  It's not a time for cameras, but I really wish I had more than memories to preserve this image.  Beautiful.  Really.  So peaceful.

I remember with Cy that I loved the nighttime feedings.  Even though I was exhausted, I always enjoyed the quiet and special alone time with him.  I was really sad when they ended (although, I really enjoyed getting sleep, too!). 

Something struck me last night, and I realized that this time was going to come to an end soon.  I haven't really enjoyed the middle of the night feedings with Lu, and I chalk that up to being more tired with two kids. However, last night, I just wanted to hold her close and not let her go.  I wanted to smell her and look at her and remember how precious this time is.  I know that pretty soon I will have to guide her into sleeping through the night without waking to eat, but something is holding me back.  I'm pretty sure she is ready, and that I am not.  

I guess this is why the "baby" of the family gets babied so much.  The parents are holding onto their "lasts" of each stage.  I don't know which night will be the "last" time I nurse a baby to sleep, but I'm pretty sure it will make me a little sad (even though I'm really looking forward to a full night's sleep!!).

Monday, July 2, 2012

Learning to chill

When I'm busy, I get stressed because I feel like I have too much to do.

When I'm idle, I get antsy if I don't have something to do.
I guess that as an adult, it's easy to lose the ability to "play" and forget about everyday adult concerns.

Please.  Let me re-learn the fine art of relaxation.  Let me stop trying to plan and schedule each waking moment.  Let me enjoy the day as it comes.  

I worked on it this weekend, and feel like I succeeded.  On Saturday afternoon, Matt took Cy to the movies, and I had some free time with Lu.  We just relaxed and "played". After they returned, Matt and I were actually able to sit outside and drink a beer while we talked and let the kids play.  It was really nice....relaxing, even!

While Lu had a long nap on Sunday morning, I spent some lovely leisure time playing with Cy.  It felt easy and fun.  I think he enjoyed it even more than I did.  Earlier in the morning, I gave him a few options for what to "do" that day, and he chose "stay home and play".  It's funny how in-tune kids are.  

I don't know why it should take conscious effort on my part to relax.  Seems contrary.