Friday, April 30, 2010

It doesn't take much

I guess it doesn't take much to get me going these days....I was buying a few things for my son today at Old Navy (Size 3T!!!) and the cashier asked me why I had a cast on.  I told her I was hit by a car, and she said "Oh my, I know someone who just got hit by a car and they DIED!".  Um, thanks.  Yikes.  Do I need to think about this ALL of the time?!?!  So when I got in my car, I broke down and cried and thought about what I would have done if my son would have died.  I don't want to die, but I surely don't want him to die.  I really need to figure out how I'm going to deal with this as he gets older.  I think that time heals things to a certain degree, but I feel like this might stick with me for a while.  How am I going to let him have the freedom to "be a kid" without having panic attacks about his safety?  How do parents deal with this stuff? 

I've been reading a lot of blogs lately that are written by mothers that have lost a child.  Is this helping me?  Not really.  I feel oddly drawn in to their stories, and very moved by their experience.  It hasn't helped me to deal with my situation,  but I think it adds to the stress of knowing you can't always keep your children safe.  Why am I doing this to myself.  Hmm.

On a happier note, we are taking our son to New York this weekend.  Its the furthest he's ever been from home.  Is that pathetic or what?  Either way, it is what it is.  He's not very good in the car (actually, he's not very good much at all lately!), and so we've been kind of wimpy about long car trips.  We are wimping out with this trip as well, and leaving tonight at 7 so that he will sleep for most of the drive.  Baby steps. 
We are taking him to visit his aunt and uncle and to go to the Bronx Zoo!  Its supposed to be gorgeous weather, so hopefully his mood will co-incide.  Not likely, but I can be hopeful!


Saturday, April 24, 2010

There have been better days

I can't seem to crawl out of this FUNK.  Somedays are better than others, and today is a rough one.  The best way to describe how I'm feeling is "Frazzled".  I wish I could just pull it together.  I have been up since 5:11am this morning, and that is not helping AT ALL. 

There is no one thing that is getting to me, it really is just a compilation of these:

1-  My son has been going through a rough stage of hitting and biting, and its really starting to get to me.  I feel like I should be able to control him, and I can't.  Punishment works sometimes, but not always.  There are times when he lashes out for seemingly no reason, no frustration, no anger.  I just don't get it.  I feel helpless with this sometimes.  Its embarrassing and annoying all at the same time. I had to skip out on playgroup this weekend cause I just couldn't deal with having to "deal" with him.  That makes me feel even more pathetic.

2-  I feel like this wrist situation is never going to have resolution.  One day I need surgery, the next day, I might not, who knows when this will be over.  I'm tired of being casted, I'm ready to move on from this, but I can't.  I wish there were an endpoint in sight, and at this time, there is not.

3- I'm starting to really feel the "having a second child" crunch.  Its becoming an issue because my husband is very interested (90% so, according to him), and I'm very UNinterested (95% so, using the same scale).  So, we have a lot of negotiations coming our way, and its messing with my head.  I don't know how to make the "right" decision for us when we are at polar ends.  We have never been on such opposites sides of a topic before, and it feels stressful.  I have no idea how to resolve this, and its on my mind.  Alot.

All of this stuff just goes around and around in my head, and I start to feel "frazzled".  I'm fine,though.  No worries here....I think its all just normal life stuff.  Can't be all roses, right?


Friday, April 16, 2010

Its been a long week

I'm trying to stay positive and remind myself not to be so self absorbed lately...there ARE other people around me living their lives as well.  Its not working very well.  I feel like I'm getting very caught up in my own days and dealings, and having a rather self-focused view of the world.  

The week started off on Sunday with the delivery of my new washer (to replace the one that was flooded by the rain).  Nothing like starting the week with a couple of loads of laundry, right?  ;)
Then I had the impending appointment with the surgeon for my wrist, which put me on edge for Monday and Tuesday.  Not to mention that my kid seemed to be extra cranky every night this week.  Why don't they save it for when their parents can be a little more tolerant?  There were at least 3 occasions that I yelled out to my husband "this is why you are only getting one of these!".  He might be getting the picture that I'm not kidding about this.

When I met with the surgeon, he determined that I would, indeed, need surgery on my wrist to fix it.  However, the x-ray's aren't giving him enough detail, so I need a CT scan to determine WHICH surgery I will get.  It will either be a screw put into the bone pieces or a bone graft, depending on what he sees in the scan. I saw him in Wednesday, and he indicated that the scan should be done in 1 to 2 days.  Swell.  I work from home on Fridays, so it is easier for me to do miscellaneous things on that day anyway.  It is lunchtime on Friday, and no scan has been scheduled yet.  Now I have never worked in a medical office before, but I don't understand why it is taking SO long to schedule this damn scan.  I am also not a very patient person, so that doesn't help.  Apparently, the doctor needs to write an "office note" (whatever THAT is), fax it over to the car insurance, get some kind of approval notice, then schedule the exam.  (As an aside:  Is Obama's plan going to streamline this process?  ....but I won't open that can of worms here). seems like I will have to make the trip to this place twice next week, which is not very convenient for me, but the doctor's office staff doesn't seem to care about convenience.  UGH.  The other annoying fact is that the car insurance is finished paying for medical care since their maximum has been I don't understand why they have to sign off on the procedure.  

The worst part of that doctor's visit was that he took off my cast.  Sounds like a positive, doesn't it?  I thought so at the time as well.  I was really excited when he asked me if I wanted to take it off. He said that since my wrist isn't healing, I couldn't do much more to damage it, and since I was having surgery anyway, that I could wear a soft splint until that time. GREAT!  Not so much.  Now I'm in constant pain that I didn't have before.  I bump it, my kid bumps it, and it is quite useless.  The cast gave it stability so that I could use the hand.  The wrist is more vulnerable now and I'm finding the soft splint is hindering activities more than the cast did because of the pain.  I just can't win lately.

On top of it all....crankiness, pain, and stress is going to be rainy ALL weekend.  This ensures that my kid will be a not-so-happy camper.  Now, do I schedule "fun" things for him to do (like the children's museum or an indoor playspace) or do I suck it up and prepare for a really long couple of days?  Hmmmm.  Either one of them is kinda miserable for me, cause I know all of those "indoor" places for kids will be wall to wall packed and full of swine flu, strep, and other various microorganisms.  Sounds appealing, doesn't it?

Oh, and did I mention that we are turning the crib into the toddler bed tonight?  Last weekend, my son had one leg over the top of the crib, which indicates that he might be able to either get out soon or hurt himself very badly soon.  So, I bought a gate to put at his bedroom doorway, and we let him try out the toddler bed.  I have a feeling this isn't going to go so well if he is able to roam around his room on his own, but you never know.

Guess I'm sounding like a real joy to be around, huh?  I actually am not too much fun right now.  I'm trying.  Well, maybe I'm not.  I'm not sure.  I'm lucky that I have a really awesome husband that has a large capacity for putting up with my crap. 


Monday, April 5, 2010

Manic Monday

I am starting to feel manic in the highs and lows that are coming my way.  It is almost starting to feel joke-like at this point.

Firstly, I had a superb mom came to visit from PA, and she is such a wonderful mom and grandmom.  She loves my son and my son LOVES her.  It is endearing to watch them play together.  Its a glimpse of genes passed along, but also an inkling of how it might have been when I was that age. 

I got to have a "date" with my husband while my mom watched my son.  That was great.  We hadn't had a date since October, and were long overdue.  I love being a parent, but sometimes I really miss that alone time with my husband.  He really is an amazing guy, and I'm so lucky to have him.

So all of the other stuff is pretty much the opposite of good.

We had massive flooding due to all of the rain in March.  The basement had 9 inches of water at its highest.  Its "dry" now, but the humidity down there is still quite high.  Hopefully the two de-humidifiers will do the trick.  Removing all of that water was quite a task.  There was a lot of ruined things....and the hot water heater and washer are both questionable right now. 

 I had a doctor's appointment to x-ray my wrist, and the scaphoid fracture is non-union (not healing).  In fact, the bone is starting to die.  So, I'm still in a cast, and awaiting an appointment with a hand surgeon who will probably have to do a bone graft.
(As a completely absurd side note:  I got a flat tire on the way to the doctor's appointment today)

I swear, its really a bad year.  The bad luck just keeps pouring in.  I am trying to stay positive and think about all of the wonderful things in my life.  There are lots of them, and I am lucky.  Maybe I should have my chakra's re-aligned just for good measure?  Anyone out there have a good luck (or how about just average luck) potion?