3 years

It's been three years since my son and I were hit by a car.  As pedestrians.  We are survivors.  We are strong.  I feel really emotional about this today....moreso than I thought I would.

Since that day, I strive to savor each day and to enjoy it all.  I don't always succeed.  Truthfully, I think as eye opening as an event like that is, it opens the eyes a little TOO wide.  Sometimes I am painfully aware that anything can happen to us and anytime.  Unexpectedly.  None of us are immune to that.  

I really hate the fact that there are some days that I live in fear.  Some days when Matt is 5 minutes late getting home from work, I start wondering what happened to him....fearing that ......well, the worst. I have come to know that opening up to great and deep love exposes you to the opportunity for great and deep loss.  At times like that, I try to remember to stay in the present and to soak it all in.  Enjoy life. 

So, on a day like this, when the reminder is really strong, I hug my kids extra tight, make sure to tell my husband how much I love him, and try to keep life in perspective.  

This is what it is all about:

This parenting gig

It occurred to me that this parenting gig is a work in process.  It has really helped over the past few weeks to keep that in mind.  I've never done this before, and I'm learning as I go.  Some things work, others don't.  As the kids grow, I grow with them.  Cool.

On the days that you really aren't too happy with the way things went, its a good reminder that we get to try it again the next day.  We can make up for our mistakes, learn, and move on, take a new approach, try something different. 

On the really great days, take a lot of pictures and REMEMBER them.  Lavish them.  Make them come again.

The best part is that we (parent-kid teams) are in this together.  We are making our family history.

Can't catch a break

(sigh)

It seems we just can't catch a break this month.  Matt had his vasectomy last Thursday (things went well), so I had full time care of the kids, since he was in some pain and couldn't lift anything. I honestly can't understand how single parents do it.  Maybe I'm just a wimp, or maybe my kids are really high maintenance, but there is no possible way that I could do this full time.

I tried to go to the YMCA for yoga class on Saturday morning, but was called out 25 minutes into it since Lu was crying non-stop in Child Watch.  Twenty five minutes of yoga was just not enough to get me to where I needed to be.  The rest of the day wasn't terrible, but I was already looking forward to Tuesday.

Saturday was our 10 year anniversary.  We didn't plan too well, but did get a babysitter at the last minute.  We got to go to lunch together on Sunday.  It was a nice break....but I felt like I couldn't relax.  I felt tired and worn out.  Not too fun to be around.  I feel like I'm just less fun to be around since having kids.  I feel less interesting.  Blah.  Matt thinks I just need to relax.  And I'm trying.

Cy got a fever on Sunday after we got home from lunch.  Of course this means he was whiny and cranky.  This kid hardly ever gets sick, and this is the second time this month.  His daycare just admitted a bunch of new kids, so I'm wondering if there are just a new set of germs to deal with.  Ugh.  Now I'm just waiting for Lu to get it.

Monday was okay, but it just felt like a long day.  I tried to get some work done so that I would be able to stay home someday during the week if Lu comes down with a fever.  (fatalistic or realistic?)

There was a nice 2 hour block in the afternoon of QUIET (the boys and Lu were napping).  It was a nice, and I got some photo editing done. I actually felt a bit better after this break. I felt more able to deal with the rest of the day after getting a little time to myself.

After we put the kids to bed, we even had a little time to watch another episode of Breaking Bad on Netflix. What a great show!!!  I'm glad we only watched one episode, though...since both kids were up a little after 3am.  So, today I'm tired.  Again.  Like I said...we can't seem to catch a break.  Oh, and allergies are starting, too.  Bonus.

A rough day

I feel like I'm having a rough day today.  Seems like a trend.  I guess I don't feel as compelled to write in this space when I'm having a great day.

After a stressful vacation, and a rough few nights....I'm feeling pulled thin.  I am tired, exhausted even.  I feel like I need a break.   A day or two to clear my head and get back on track.  Being the mom often times means self-care is put to the back burner while making sure everyone else is taken care of.  

The baby has continued to be clingy (to me) even though all traces of sickness are gone.  She wakes up multiple times at night and is tough to get back down.  We've started to let her cry in hopes she will soothe herself.  I can't stand to listen to her cry, but I don't know what else to do...I'm at the end of my rope with it. She isn't eating well....meaning I have to pump more often to relieve the fullness.  She is just "off" right now. Maybe this is a phase or she is just recovering from a stressful week.  What ever the case, I'm just hoping this passes soon.

Cy is pushing limits.  Not listening, or at least not paying attention.  My patience is gone.  I feel like I am punishing him more often lately, and need to examine whether it's because his behavior has been worse or my tolerance is at an all time low.  Instinct tells me its a mixture of both.

Tomorrow is the day that my husband has his vasectomy.  I am worried for him (just cause that's me) but also happy that we will mark the end of our baby making days.  It couldn't come at a worse time, since I really am not looking forward to doing full time care of both kids this weekend (no heavy lifting for him).  I'm hoping he heals quickly and that I can enjoy this time with the kids.  I need to just come up with a game plan.  

Vacation Woes

I can't even start to describe how bad vacation was this year.  Someone told me today that when you are travelling with young children, it should have a different name than "vacation".  Amen.

To summarize:  the baby was sick the whole time.  A temperature of 103 that persisted for the whole week.  She was clingy (attached to me the entire time) and didn't sleep.  I've never returned from a vacation so exhausted.  

Luckily, Cy had a blast and really loved spending time with his cousins at the lake.  There is my silver lining.