Wednesday, May 2, 2012

maybe tears really are toxic

I broke down last night.  I cried during dinner...the whole time.  I just couldn't stop.  Things have just been simmering, and I couldn't keep them in any more.  Poor Cy kept asking why I was sad.  Poor Matt kept telling him that sometimes people just cry.  And clueless little Lu sat happily looking around.

Matt and I talked about things, about how to make it better.  I think we got to the heart of the real issue, that I need to let go of some control.  My inner control freak is trying to kill me (ha!).  I need to let him take over doing some things, even if he doesn't do them the same (or as good) as I do.  I know that he is right, and am lucky to have such a supportive husband.  (However, there is such a huge part of me that just wants to do everything, do it right, and feel good about being able to do it ....recipe for disaster, eh?)  Maybe I will let him do the dishes.

Even though there was no real resolution, I feel better.  I read somewhere one time that (emotional) tears can contain toxic byproducts, and that letting them out can make you physically feel better.  I might actually believe it.  Nothing changed, but my anxiety and anger level went down after I was done.

I don't know why all of this has to be so stressful.  I wish I really do want to get back to enjoying life.  I know that having a young baby is a temporary "problem", and that things will evolve on their own time.  I don't like wishing this time away.  I am constantly trying to remind myself that in a few years, I will look back and see this as the "easy" time and not understand why I was so stressed.

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