I broke down last night. I cried during dinner...the whole time. I just couldn't stop. Things have just been simmering, and I couldn't keep them in any more. Poor Cy kept asking why I was sad. Poor Matt kept telling him that sometimes people just cry. And clueless little Lu sat happily looking around.
Matt and I talked about things, about how to make it better. I think we got to the heart of the real issue, that I need to let go of some control. My inner control freak is trying to kill me (ha!). I need to let him take over doing some things, even if he doesn't do them the same (or as good) as I do. I know that he is right, and am lucky to have such a supportive husband. (However, there is such a huge part of me that just wants to do everything, do it right, and feel good about being able to do it ....recipe for disaster, eh?) Maybe I will let him do the dishes.
Even though there was no real resolution, I feel better. I read somewhere one time that (emotional) tears can contain toxic byproducts, and that letting them out can make you physically feel better. I might actually believe it. Nothing changed, but my anxiety and anger level went down after I was done.
I don't know why all of this has to be so stressful. I wish I really do want to get back to enjoying life. I know that having a young baby is a temporary "problem", and that things will evolve on their own time. I don't like wishing this time away. I am constantly trying to remind myself that in a few years, I will look back and see this as the "easy" time and not understand why I was so stressed.