Monday, April 30, 2012

one of those days...

I have days....THOSE days more often lately.  I don't know if this is normal stress or what, but it's hard.  I am just very unhappy at times.  During those times, I can find fault with everything and everyone around me, and am unable to figure out what I can do to feel better.  I lose my temper with my husband and my son.  I feel like I have too much on my plate, and don't have time to "enjoy".

Here are some things that have been on my mind:

I've been trying to make a conscious effort to be "present" instead of doing things ahead to make things easier for the next day, but it isn't working.  I get stressed.  I am taking this "control freak" thing to another level.  Trying to be super organized, make great meals, be a great mom, keeping it all together.  I think it's just all starting to crumble, and I feel kind of shitty about all of it.

I've been trying NOT to be the "mom who yells."  That's not really working, either.  My son pushes the limits...and I stay calm for a while, but in the end, I feel like I can't take it.  Then I yell.  It doesn't really work and doesn't even make me feel better.  So, WHY?  ugh.  I really need to figure out how to deal with him more effectively.  The problem is that he is really sweet 80% of the time.  It's that 20% that really gets me.

I've been trying to convince myself that having my life "on hold" during the years that my children are young is okay, and that I can resume some semblance of normal living once they are a bit older.  More and more, I find myself questioning this.  I feel like I'm shrinking.  I don't know how else to describe it.  A shell of a person that just feeds, diapers, plays.  I feel myself wishing this time away, wanting for the kids to be a bit older so that I can "enjoy" them more.  Then I feel TERRIBLE and start crying because I know that this time is supposed to be magical.  They are only young for a short time, and I should be enjoying the present.  I get nervous that I will spend my whole time with them wishing for some time in the future.  Before we know it, they will be gone, and I won't know what to do with myself.

I've tried to find something to do on my own to help with all of this.  I've decided to start going to some yoga classes to help me "quiet" my mind, and to help me to focus.  Since I've made the decision to do this, I've been putting it off.  I'm scared.  What if it doesn't work, what if I look silly, what if I can't do it?  Self doubt, fear.  It's easier to remain status quo.  I have got to get on board with this plan and just do it already.

Anyway, I've been wondering if any of this is just hormone related, and hoping that it will subside soon.  I try to rationalize and tell myself that it really is stressful to have a full time job, two kids, and responsibilities of taking care of a home, oh, and being a wife, too.  It's a bit overwhelming right now, but it should be, right?  Who can do all of this?

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